Yet Another Reason to Hate the Corporate World

Recently, we received a mass email which continues to amuse me. Amuse? No, maybe it just bothers me. Here it is:

Your Human Resources team is hosting a CARNIVAL - Luau style!!
When: Wednesday from 1:00 - 3:00
Where: Conf. Room 1077/1079
We will be having games, prizes and giveaways, you won't want to miss out
on all the fun. Stop by and test your HR knowledge for the chance to win
some great prizes.
We look forward to seeing you there!!!

This is such an easy target on so many levels. And it raises so many questions.
A CARNIVAL - Luau style. This conjures up some distinct imagery, doesn't it? You could take 'carnival' in the Rio, or Mardi Gras sense -- drunken, costumed revelers making noise, baring breasts, etc. Or we could use carnival in the freak show sense. In either case, the unlikely and awkward pairing of CARNIVAL and Luau makes me really uncomfortable. I imagine LuAnne, the Fish Girl who has no arms and has webbed feet hunched over a roasted pig taking chunks of pork from its glistening rump using only her teeth. Or Bendo, the Amazing Rubber Boy demonstrating his prowess at the Samoan fire dance.

And to me, this still doesn't really tie in to the overall concept of "HR and fun". Why would a bunch of Telecom IT drones be willing to participate in such merriment? Whose idea was this? Test your HR knowledge. Isn't that why we have an illustrious team of HR specialists? If we have a question, couldn't we just ask these people? Why would we even possess enough knowledge about HR to win the great prizes?

We're not in third grade. Please, next time, just give me a folder chock full of HR information. Save your budget. Better yet, let's put everything on the corporate website and you all can go find something better to do.... like maybe beef up your resume.

I was Dumbfounded

So I go to the grocery store yesterday to get a jar of nuts. I always have to have something to munch on at my desk, and Planters Dry Roasted Lightly Salted peanuts were the only thing that would make me happy. I paid and walked out of the store with my glass vessel of briny little treats firmly in hand (only they were lightly briny, to be exact). What happened next would shake what little faith I had left in humanity. Or at the very least, it further enforced my firm belief that Americans are largely careless and lazy despite their alleged prosperity.

I got in the car and watched in what seemed like timeless slow motion. An older gal, say 60, pushed her shopping cart out to her car. She took her bags out of the cart, and placed them into the rear of her Subaru Forester then closed the tailgate. She pushed the cart about three steps away from her car, then let 'er go so it would roll to the adjacent curb. Not an uncommon occurrence, really.

But the kicker is, the parking lot gently sloped. And the cart rolled lazily in a beautiful arc right into the side of someone else's car. I still cannot believe this lady even let the cart roll in such close proximity to someone else's vehicle. Here's the best part. As she let go of the cart and sent it on its tragic journey, she immediately turned away as if dropping a child off at pre-school for the first time. "If I let 'er go, and just don't look back, then it won't hurt". BAP! The cart hit the car. The lady ignored it for a second. Then she realized what happened and that someone might have seen her. After already committing herself to ignoring what happened, she must have felt deep inside that what she did was wrong. OR FREAKING STUPID!

She turned for a moment apparently to go pull the cart away from the violated car. You could hear the words "aw screw it" in her mind as she got in her Forester and drove away.

It gets better. There was a cart corral not more than 25 feet away. So to this lady and all my fellow Americans I say:

Walk. Walk. WALK your lousy cart back the extra few feet to the cart corral. Burn off a couple of french fries. It really really isn't that hard. I promise. I always do and I can sleep a bit more soundly at night just knowing that no innocent vehicle endured any trauma as a result of sheer laziness. Please join me, won't you?

Mr. Smarty Pants Guide to Success in Middle Management

-Nothing says "I'm in control" like setting up another conference call.

-The best way to establish yourself as a leader is to know who to blame.

-The number of meetings in a given day is directly proportionate to the efficiency of a well-run organization.

-The best way for someone to learn is to criticize them, then let them try to figure out why.

-The only way to get results is to be unnecessarily aggressive.

-Nothing gives a clearer picture of progress than a colorful bar chart.

-The most effective use of meeting time is to print out a presentation, then read the slides out loud to everyone.

-He who speaks the most and the loudest must surely be the smartest.

-Coming in early holds no merit because no one sees you. Stay late and neglect your family if you really want to make an impact.

-If you can't think of your own ideas for methodology or inspiration, cover your cubicle with motivational quotes from famous people who are smarter than you.

-Be mean. Gain respect.

-There is no time to think about the answers you give. Thinking indicates you don't really know.

-A snap decision may end up being the wrong one, but hey -- at least you looked confident.

-Nothing says "thanks for all you do" like a foam can cozy emblazoned with a corporate logo.

-The best way to assess one's work is to reduce it to a number.

-A video conference is the best way to allow colleagues across the country to watch you read a presentation.

-Anything...ANYTHING can be tracked in a spreadsheet.

- Use neat phrases like “reach out” instead of “contact”; “going forward” instead of “from now on”; or “issue” instead of “problem”.