Mr. Smarty Pants Guide to Success in Middle Management

-Nothing says "I'm in control" like setting up another conference call.

-The best way to establish yourself as a leader is to know who to blame.

-The number of meetings in a given day is directly proportionate to the efficiency of a well-run organization.

-The best way for someone to learn is to criticize them, then let them try to figure out why.

-The only way to get results is to be unnecessarily aggressive.

-Nothing gives a clearer picture of progress than a colorful bar chart.

-The most effective use of meeting time is to print out a presentation, then read the slides out loud to everyone.

-He who speaks the most and the loudest must surely be the smartest.

-Coming in early holds no merit because no one sees you. Stay late and neglect your family if you really want to make an impact.

-If you can't think of your own ideas for methodology or inspiration, cover your cubicle with motivational quotes from famous people who are smarter than you.

-Be mean. Gain respect.

-There is no time to think about the answers you give. Thinking indicates you don't really know.

-A snap decision may end up being the wrong one, but hey -- at least you looked confident.

-Nothing says "thanks for all you do" like a foam can cozy emblazoned with a corporate logo.

-The best way to assess one's work is to reduce it to a number.

-A video conference is the best way to allow colleagues across the country to watch you read a presentation.

-Anything...ANYTHING can be tracked in a spreadsheet.

- Use neat phrases like “reach out” instead of “contact”; “going forward” instead of “from now on”; or “issue” instead of “problem”.