chew on this

Gum. I rarely chew gum. In fact, the only time I do is if someone offers me a piece. To me, gum is like going to a nudie bar -- largely a waste of time. You get a taste, but you are left feeling empty and dissatisfied.

But what is it about gum chewers? The social aspect, that is.

Maybe gum chewers are just friendly by nature. Without fail, when I am around a gum chewer or group of them, they always ask if I want a piece. They are completely selfless, sometimes even offering me their last piece!

But then, paranoia creeps in. "Oh. Would she really offer her last piece if she didn't think I needed it? My God! I must have periodontal disease! Are my gums bleeding? Does my cake hole reek of death?!" Then usually I accept the gum only to see if the expression is one of extreme relief, or one of true friendliness.

Perhaps then, offering someone a piece of gum should be considered faux pas, or downright rude. It is akin to requesting that someone go douche or asking "would you care for some deodorant?" It would be impossible to tell for sure whether offering gum was out of genuine politeness, and therefore I would submit that doing so should be avoided in social settings.

Or what if gum chewers are zealous crusaders for fresh breath? "Please! Take my gum! Join me and you too can have the same minty fresh breath that I enjoy! Take two pieces and give one to a friend!" Perhaps they are more self righteous in nature. "I am chewing gum. See me chew? My breath is fresh. Yours is not. Unless you partake of my gum, you shall never achieve my freshness."

It is this that makes me prefer mints. Ever see mints stuck to the underside of tables, chairs, and shoes?