a long story that sucks

If you ever receive a call from Silver King International, don't answer it. They had been calling us for months and we never answered. One day, my wife gave in and answered their call with the intent of telling them to turn blue. Instead, we were enticed by the wonderful promise of a no-strings-attached, no-timeshare-selling weekend for two.....IF we participated in a survey and market study for steam cleaning equipment.

I had participated in market studies and focus groups before and received compensation for my time, so it wasn't beyond belief that I really might receive something swell in exchange for providing my opinions about this product. All we had to do was sit through a demonstration, then provide our input. The guy showed up at our door as planned with a couple of large boxes containing the product. He set up shop right in our family room and began to demonstrate a very industrial looking vacuum cleaner. "Wait" we said. "Isn't this a survey?" "Well, I'm going to demonstrate this product and if, in the end, you are interested in getting one, I will tell you how you can buy one. If you are not interested, that's fine -- you just complete the survey."

Ok, we were still on board with the idea until he asked us what kind of vacuum cleaner we had - a Dyson recommended by numerous trusted friends - and then implied that we were complete morons and suckers for effective marketing. It was then that we realized without a doubt that we had been trapped by a VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN!! Horror!!

He proceeded with his rapidfire pitch. He fired up our month-old Dyson and ran it back & forth over the same area about 15 times. Then, he flipped the switch on his magic machine which had been fitted with black, grime-revealing demonstration filters, and made one pass over the same spot. Amazing -- it was as if our Dyson picked up nothing! Then he started in with the allergens and dust mites tactics. My wife was mortified. I could see the wheels turning....we must get one of these. How could we have been so stupid to have been suckered like lemmings into the Dyson? I could only think about entire societies around the globe who live in dirt huts and eat bugs, yet they survive. I told the man this. He was not impressed with my worldliness.

Once we were fairly convinced that this hideous piece of machinery was the answer to all of our woes that suddenly seemed to exist, we popped the question he was dying to answer: "How much does it cost?" We had done some serious budgeting to find a way to pay for our Dyson - more than we had ever paid for a vacuum cleaner before. But this....this thing was $3,200. Three thousand, two-hundred dollars.

And then we immediately learned that there were a multitude of convenient ways we could pay for it. I could see the glazed "we must find a way" in my wife's eyes, and it was time to step up as a man. No. There was no way. We had just consolidated a bunch of bad debt that was the result of many stupid, senseless purchases, and this was not going to be the one thing that launched us back into distress.

He called his "boss". "Yep, I'm all done here....nope....filling out the survey..." This was code for 'no sale'. "What's that? Ok, I'll ask them." His "boss" was willing to make a deal -- our last chance to get the big discount on this night only. Growing angry and weary, I said, "Look -- if I am going to spend that kind of cash, it will be for a new carbon fiber bike. I am not about to get into debt and make VACUUM CLEANER PAYMENTS while struggling to put dinner on the table, let alone pay my daughter's pre-school tuition."

I felt particularly good about my chest thumping "I am master of my castle" routine the next day when I discovered that our Dyson had been left on the 'bare floor' setting during the demo rather than the 'carpet' setting. No wonder it didn't pick up as much filth.

I will say this: if you are inclined to fork over $3,200 for a vacuum cleaner, I can recommend a $400 Dyson instead. Then with the remaining cash I just saved you, please donate the remainder to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and put it toward a great cancer fighting organization.

Oh, and our prize? It ended up being a $1,000 internet shopping spree at WOArewards.com. Actually, it "entitles us to obtain up to $1,000 worth of merchandise." From the research I have done, this is a complete sham. Silver King International, you suck.....in every sense.