getting things done

I hate it when people have posters or little signs on their desk with inspirational or motivational quotes. The psychology is interesting. If you ever see someone who has the “7 Habits of Highly Successful People” bolstered to their wall, you should instantly smell a bullshitter. Do you think they have these things posted so that every day, they can look at them and re-affirm what they believe or how they work? No way. They are posted for all to see so that someone passing by will be really really impressed and think, “Oh my. A real go-getter must sit in this cube”. Well, I have created my own line of quotes for the business place - words that truly capture the essence of the great corporate American office. These are my tips and guidelines for success:

-Nothing says "I'm in control" like setting up another conference call.

-The best way to establish yourself as a leader is to know who to blame.

-The number of meetings in a given day is directly proportionate to the efficiency of a well-run organization.

-The best way for someone to learn is to criticize them, then let them try to figure out why.

-Nothing gives a clearer picture of progress than a colorful bar chart.

-The most effective use of meeting time is to print out a presentation, then read the slides out loud to everyone.

-He who speaks the most and the loudest must surely be the smartest.

-Coming in early holds no merit because no one sees you. Stay late every night and neglect your family if you really want to make an impact.

-If you can't think of your own ideas for methodology or inspiration, cover your cubicle with motivational quotes from people who are smarter than you.

-There is no time to think about the answers you give. Thinking indicates you don't really know.

-A snap decision may end up being the wrong one, but hey -- at least you looked confident.

-Nothing says "thanks for all you do" like a foam can cozy emblazoned with the corporate logo.

-The best way to assess one's work is to reduce it to a number.

-A video conference is the best way to allow colleagues across the country to watch you read a presentation.

-Anything...ANYTHING can be tracked in a spreadsheet.

-Ideally, your staff should spend a good portion of their day tracking what they do. Be sure also to have them track the time they spend tracking what they do.

- Use neat phrases like “reach out” instead of “contact”; “going forward” instead of “from now on”; or “issue” instead of “problem”.