the only thing worse than my job is trying to find a new one

It’s a new year, and I haven’t written for a while. The holidays, the renewed focus on work, the shoveling, the shoveling, the shoveling, and the shoveling have all combined to temporarily cripple the flow of creative thoughts. Well, that’s my excuse anyway.

Brand-spankin’ shiny new 2007. Almost like being reborn, really. A new chance to make good things happen.

Oh but wait….slapping that notion right in the face would be my beloved employer announcing that they are laying off 5,000 employees nationwide.

Yes, the last few bits of confetti were still floating above times square when the news came. “Our company sucks, lacks direction, has no groundbreaking cool products, and we’re not raking in enough millions to make the rich guys on the board even richer, so we are getting rid of some of you who have worked so hard to keep the show running. Happy New Year - let's stay committed and focused.”

I’m not real keen on leaving my fate in the hands of others, so I have been sending resumes and applications all over the place like so many sperm to the ovum. In the process, I have landed a few interviews which serve mostly to buoy my confidence briefly only to be dashed by the notion that perhaps my career success has only been a product of making things up on the fly. And now I have run out of things to make up. But the interviews are good for me, I tell myself, and with each one, I get a little better at it. I start to remember the universal questions and things employers want to know such as why I want to leave my job, how intensely I am looking for a new job, and what I am looking for in a perspective employer.

And then there are the things they ask which are a waste of everyone’s time and serve only to fill a room with more hot air:

- Tell me about a time when you had to be creative and what you did and what the outcome was. (Right. Like there is room for creativity in IT.)

- How do you handle stressful situations…when you have a lot of things on your plate and they all need to be done right away? (You can’t fool me on that one! I think maybe this where I am supposed to tell you about the importance of prioritization even though, like everyone else, I freak out and spout obscenities.)

- How do you deal with someone who is being difficult? (Kick their ass. Is that right? That’s what you do…right? Or tell on them. That's good too.)

- What is one of your weaknesses? (Yeah, like I’m going to admit, “I’m inherently lazy and I hate work.”)

- What are you most proud of? (Not being a complete buttsucker like you.)

But here is my all-time favorite interview question. After some 16 years in corporate America, this one takes the cake:

- You have two pens. Both are identical in every way except that one has a ball point cartridge and the other has gel ink. Which one would you sell me on and why?

You gotta freakin be kidding me. I mean really. Obviously, both pens suck because the only real writing instruments worth discussing are rollerball and fountain pens. Who doesn't know that?