Monday, February 28, 2005

Post-mortem, continued.

With the publicity of Hunter S. Thompson's desire to have his ashes shot from a cannon, a couple pals of mine have added their post-mortem wishes to my last submission:

"i would like to have one thumb up my ass and the other in my mouth, then be flung from colorado blvd and I-25 into downtown denver from some sort of very complicated catapult."

"i want to be opened up and stuffed with hard boiled eggs, frozen and pulled out in time to be stuffed into the ventilation system of the social security building hq here in denver right before they begin to seasonally use the heating system."

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I'd like to be shot out of a cannon, please.

I could make millions. And so help me, if someone runs with this idea, they'd better pay up.
It's a revolutionary new funeral home.

Rather than placing corpses in caskets, we would put the deceased on display for the viewing and funeral service. To be specific, the corpse would be posed in whatever manner the family desired. Or if the deceased knew that he was about to give up the ghost in a matter of days, he could specify, "When I die, I would like to be posed in a running position" for example. At the funeral, the posed corpse would be placed upon a platform for all to view. Much more entertaining than simply placed like a log in a velvet-lined box.

The face could be manipulated to show a grimace, or a big cheese-eating grin; or a mouth wide-open aghast, or tongue sticking out. You could do an "action adventure" pose, a wrestling ready stance, a victorious arms in the air thing; sitting cross-legged with a glass of merlot, or even perched atop a bike. For more money, the family could pay to have the corpse partially animated -- say, a waving arm, or legs turning the cranks of the aforementioned bike. Maybe even a mouth that opens in concert with a recording of the departed's voice. Kind of like the animatronic presidents show at Disneyland!

Then after the funeral, rather than being buried, the deceased could be placed in a room called "Museum of Smelly Corpses" -- not unlike a wax museum, only these were once actual bodies. For yet more cash, the family could put the posed deceased in a museum-quality sealed glass case. A small maintenance fee could keep the carcass animated indefinitely or until the moving part fell off.

As long as dying is part of life, we might as well forego the tears and have a little fun in the end.